My daughter Helena. She is 2 and something. She is as beautiful as I can imagine a child being She is also sweet-tempered, funny and bright. And I love her, as I love her big brother, with a passion that outstrips all reason. Never mind stepping in front of bullets, for these children I will get up ten times a night even when I’m sick.

And still, there are moments I would trade both children in for a large gin and tonic with ice and lemon and a very comfortable, impractical cherry-red leather chair.

One thing that makes me want to ring the dealership to ask about trade-in values is their incessant testing. Children are as empirical as, well, as very empirical people. They test and test and test. If this is the rule, Mommy, is it REALLY the rule? Are you sure? What about now? What about if I’m wearing green? Is it the same rule over here? Is it the same rule when you’re tired? If I ask a hundred times? If I’m standing on my head? On Saturdays? When I’m sick? If I smile?

Just now, I had to take Henrietta Pussycat away because Helena threw her. The rule is that we only throw balls. Now, she was tired. I was tired. And I hate being mean (although that’s number four in my top five characteristics of good parents: Be willing to be mean when necessary). But what can you do? Henrietta spent the next half hour in safe keeping while Helena fussed.

In the end, Helena had Henrietta back and maybe next time she’ll think twice before hurling her across the room at her brother. But really, what did it matter? What did it matter if she threw a tiny stuffed cat? It doesn’t, but the rule has to stick or what are rules for? The rule keeps them from throwing cars, knives and bottles at the wall — or each other — and that’s a good thing. It’s a good rule.

I still fundamentally hate having to enforce rules. I’m much happier making chocolate souffles that don’t puff up for nice friends who won’t care how fluffy their souffle is. I don’t like cooking meat and two veg for ungrateful proto-humans. When did all this happen? Last thing I remember I was a grown-up among other grown-ups and I rarely, if ever, had to take anything away from any of them.

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