Blueberries, rehearsals and resolutions
First off, I want to thank you all, old blogfriend and newcomer alike, for your supportive comments and helpful insights. You’ve no idea how much that means to me, and how your common sense helps to keep my brain from exploding with guilt. I’m still in a complete swivet, mostly because I honestly want to think of myself as a good person — or at the least, a person trying to be good. And then something like this happens and whatever I meant, whatever my intentions, whatever the background, I have the power to hurt. And that scares me. To realize one’s power to be cruel is very frightening and it makes me worried how, someday, I might hurt the children. Without any intention to hurt them. In fact, with all my intentions just the opposite.
If I say that I’m thinking of trying to meditate more and practicing lovingkindness more, that will just sound facile. But I am thinking that might be a good idea. Thing is, I’m so terribly cynical. So critical. Everything sinks into my brain through several layers of commentary and I am not very good at being sweet, pure and heartfelt.
Unlike my sister Christina who is very sweet, very loving and very earnest. She says and write things I would choke on, even if I think them. And it’s so loving. So the rehearsal last night went very well, despite my chaotic, guilt-stricken brain turning somersaults. She wore my mother’s wedding dress and looked beautiful. And do I have a good picture? No. These are the least bad.
I don’t know why I have two photos of her making faces. There was um, much wine at the dinner. But that doesn’t account for photo number one. Just believe me that she looked beautiful and happy. As did her fiance, John. Kinda like this.
And now we know how to sashay down the aisle and sashy back and all that jazz. And, more crucially, I worked out where the children can sit and where a toilet is and where they can go if they need a break. So now that’s sorted, they can go ahead and get married.
Then today, we drove to Connecticut and had lunch and then went blueberry picking with my mother and Aunt Maureen. It was lovely and I managed there, in the heat and the leaves and the chattering, berry picking children, to go about half an hour without thinking about
what a terrible person I am. And we now have about six pounds of blueberries (although it looks like more) and Ed is walking around saying PIE! in a very pleased and expectant voice but with a crazed-with-pie-lust look in his eye.
I expect that’s what we’re doing tomorrow. Oh that, and trying to be a better person.
Once when I was a teenager I wrote horrible, corrosive words about my mother in my diary. One day, she was “turning the mattress” (uh huh) and found it, and it “fell open” (sure) and she read it, and I still feel bad about it, and it was decades ago, and my Mom died four years ago.
Once when I was worried that my daughter was upset at me, I read her diary. No excuses, I trespassed on her privacy and was hurt by the words she wrote. But then some time later I remembered what I had written about my own mother, whom I loved and still love dearly, and I comforted myself with the fact that it is pretty much impossible not to hurt the people you love most dearly, because we are imperfect, no matter how hard we try to be good.
I love that picture of the blueberries! It is great. I especially like how some of the berries are red in colour- And Daniel- he looks so mature in that picture.
I’m terribly cynical too. It’s funny how things llike weddings make us realize certain things. I realized how selfish I was during my brothers wedding. How hard I had to work to consciously put aside my own issues (like anxiety over delivering the speech, the troubles I had making the tags for the bombeneire, worries the baby would cry during the ceremony, stress about whether I can return the 100 dollars wirth of dress shoes I bought for the children that they’ll never wear again…etc) … um what was I saying again? Just kidding.
I had to consciously work at NOT talking about myself and my things. I had to pay specific attention to devote all energies to the bride. I think I did a fairly good job, but it made me realize how self absorbed I can be.
Holy cow. Sorry. I don’t know what it is about your post that caused that flood gate erupt. Something about trying to be a better person…
Agh the baby just woke up. Damnit!
PIE!!
It’s obvious that you are beating yourself up about how your hurt your friend. I’m not going to say that what you did wasn’t bad – it was. But you are human, imperfect, make mistakes. If (before this happened) another friend came to you and told you that she had done hurt a friend in this way – what would your reaction have been? You need to see it in perspective (without your understandable guilt and upset). We all have the power to be cruel, and to hurt. We usually make concious choices to avoid doing so. But occasionally getting it wrong, to realise the power we hold – makes us more thoughtful and a better person in the end.
Sorry – didn’t mean to preach (I think it strikes a chord in my own life, and I’m rationalising to myself as much as you!)
See how Stuntfather’s comment puts all else into perspective? (I had to laugh.) When in doubt, go with the gut…
I think the fact that you feel guilt rather than apathy is awesome. In the end it is about the PIE! Those blueberries look so yummy!
Yes. Chelle is right. Guilt and regret have places in our psyches. Unless they weigh us down and hinder our other relationships, they make us better people.
I imagine everyone has these stories — I, myself, used to have a friend, who for some reason I always made feel badly about herself. It was never intentional, but I do feel terribly about it and miss her very much.
Hopefully, in the end, all those times you do and say the Right Things at the Right Times out number the mis-steps.