Rant. (The Return of)
And another thing.
Part of the problem we face with modern parenthood is that it is increasingly seen as a lifestyle choice and so the issues of how to incorporate children into your life are then framed as lifestyle issues and children themselves become lifestyle accessories, dressed and trained to reflect not childhood or their own nascent personalities, but the parents they compliment.
Basically, in our frantic, capitalist-driven, employed first world lives with easy access to birth control and entertaining distractions, having children at all is a growing question for many couples (and some singles too, no doubt). Shall we or shan’t we? Are we ready? Can we give them what they deserve? Do we have time? Energy? The inclination? Or do we prefer to have our weekends free, our carpets clean and our bellies unstretched? What about OUR lives? How do children fit in?
This is honestly and truly not intended to insult or denigrate anyone who chooses not to have children which I do think is an important choice. Hell, the world is overpopulated anyway. I also am fundamentally about respecting people and the choices they make. And I’m glad (very glad) that the choice is out there for some women to be free to decide not to have children because not everyone should. However, while having children is a choice, it is not a lifestyle choice and, more importantly, it’s not a choice the society at large has. Someone has to be having the children. If not you or me, then someone. The human race doesn’t have a choice about this.
By reducing this fundamental necessity to a lifestyle choice, the importance of children and their place in our world is grossly undercut. Children become an addendum to adult existence rather than another piece of the human puzzle, as important a piece of society as adults. Likewise, as children become addendums, so do the people who follow them around with wipes, peanut butter crackers and slightly (ha!) tired expressions. Parents share in the lack of respect our society affords children and that makes it even more likely that we will try to mask our parenthood, to return to our pre-parenthood figures as a way of ensuring that we are still fully acceptable, to find cute answers to the question “So what do you do all day?” rather than biting the questioner.
Just as parents deserve more respect, so do children. They are people, not mannekins for our political leanings or style-seizures, not pint-sized consumers forcing parents into further debt and keeping the economy afloat. Khalil Gibran put it best (and I know I keep quoting him, but it bears repeating).
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
Children are the future, not our personal future, not our personal legacy. The future of our whole existence, the existence of our societies, our states, our species. We who bear them, rear them and send them out into the world are the fracking Masters and Mistresses of the Universe (and that includes the aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins and best friends and so on who are helping those children grow). And we deserve not just respect, but admiration, paid holidays, long long maternity and paternity leaves and free alcohol.
Well said! I absolutely agree, with both you and Gibran.
As my children get older (they are both teenagers now), I am continually amazed at what amazing, actualized, individual *people* they are. Worthy of wonder, respect and sometimes even awe…
WELL SAID!!
Sorry for the caps. OK, not sorry. I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while, and this is my first comment, and I could not let this one pass.
I too get truly pissed when people use their children as another accessory, like “my kids are so cool, just like me.” Damn, people, grow up and realize that its not all about being cool and hip and all that when you are a parent.
It also annoys me when people take credit for their kids’ awesomeness. Like somehow they personally implanted the taste buds for broccoli on their children’s tongue,
My parents never took credit for our successes, never took responsibility for our failures, never used us to advance their status, and never pressured us to live out their fantasies for our future. I am so incredibly grateful for that, and I hope I can do the same.
Well said SM.
Great post, as usual, and an interesting set of comments too.
I especially like the question you raise of “how to incorporate children into your life.”
Sometimes the media makes such a big deal about the different world of children that we as parents and adults can feel quite alienated and unattached.
If we are told that in order to make the children happy, we have to do things that do not fulfill us at all and leave us drained and irritated, soon we will resent our children and the job of parenting.
If instead of fitting oneself to the child’s world, invite the child from the very beginning into the life of the family. “Incorporate children into your life” as you say, as opposed to give up your life to do what the media tells us our children want. Do something that fulfills you all–a walk in the woods, baking together or gardening, going on a trip to the fiber festival…um…
Well said, Francesca. And I love the quote by Khalil Gibran.. I’ve never seen that before. If I ever forget for one minute that my children are on loan to me, that I’m their guide, not their ruling dictator, motherhood seems a burden rather than the honor that it is. When I view my children as spiritual beings who are with me for a short time, it is the deepest blessing I know. And that’s saying a lot coming from a crankpot like me.
Thank you. You hit the nail on the head. I love Khalil Gibran as well – that quote is quite succinct.
Amen!
And I always vote for “biting the questioner”.
Honestly, I had not thought about the marginalization of children and parents in terms of our society seeing children as a “lifestyle choice”. But it’s true. Thanks.
Yes! The free booze should be served in a 24 hour liquor store complete with a play area for kids, and free massages for parents. Ahhhhh.
This should go more public than here…have you sent this off to Parent Magaine or some similar publication? Your words can make a difference (and you’ll get some $ toward that “free” alcohol lol)
Michael and I had a ‘WHOOPS!’ and had to run to the store for the test…the pregnancy test. As I waited for the results, my mind raced through whole paragraphs and subsections of said paragraphs of questions….
…and the question that highlighted the whole two minute wait was:
“Am I good enough for a child to have me?”
The answer is much more muddled than the result of the test…negative.
But now the question has been asked,and I find myself dwelling on it daily.
Stuntmother, this is a fabulous post.
My mother had that piece by Gibran in one of her scrapbooks, and I can remember reading it as a little girl and being shocked by the first line. I didn’t understand it at all and it almost scared me, to think that I wasn’t my mother’s child.
Now that I have children, I understand.
Thanks for this post, it is completely reaffirming and refreshing. And, I love the quote!
Yes Yes Yes. Amen sister. I read this nursing my 10 day old daughter. I thought about just this problem before we decided to get pregnant.
The thing is now that I’ve given birth and have this new person living with me, dreaming and smiling and gazing into my eyes, words utterly fail me. Other parents understand somewhat through their own experience, but non-parents just don’t and can’t.
As with all powerful magic: art, music, dance, poetry, sex, love; birthing and parenting is threatening to the status quo. Therfore marginalized. Society in general is not very smart-never has been. It full of lies we must never believe.
Oh I look at her and there is so much to say and nothing at all to say.
Life is a glorious mystery.
I enjoyed this post greatly. I think what is difficult for many women and perhaps (not to excuse some of the things you mentioned, but perhaps explain some…??) is transition from person to parent as well as finding that place where we can be ourselves but still be a good parent who puts the needs of our children high on our list.
I imagine that many folks (including myself) get sucked into the sacrificial parenting mode because we not only think it’s NOT a lifestyle choice but rather it should be OUR LIFE TOTALLY and we then lose ourselves.
I hope that we as women are able to support moms in finding their own parenting persona as well as being able to keep a part (or many parts) of themselves alive and kicking.
My child is certainly my agenda, but there’s got to be a place for me as well. Finding that happy medium is different for each individual but certainly important.
Again, great post.