Above all, be kind
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Philo*
This motherhood gig is tough, you know? But there are other tough gigs out there. It’s really really easy to get so darn wrapped up in my own struggles that I lose compassion for the struggles of others. Including my husband.
You know he’s doing a PhD, right? I don’t write about it often because what is there really to write about? But it’s hard, working under that pressure. Even happy-go-lucky 25 something PhD students have nervous breakdowns. What about the 35 something man with two children, a freelance writer of a wife and a mortgage? When he knows that three people not including himself are depending on his finishing this project? How about if you toss two part-time jobs and a job search into that mix? What if we up the ante so that the older child is an overwhelming emotional challenge? Let’s up it some more and admit that the wife is a little, um, operatic at times. Toss in a tendency to migraines, worry-induced insomnia and a personal and political conviction that he must be an active and present father. Oh, and he’s across the ocean from his clan in a country with no national health and a deformed rabbit for president.
Wouldn’t you say he deserves some kindness?
Hey, I’m not saying I don’t. I totally do! but I also get so mired in my own self-righteous exhaustion that I forget that simply choosing the kinder thing to say matters a lot. Or not saying anything if I can only think of ratty, carping stuff. And it’s not efficient to demand kindness from another in angry words. And there are lots of people out there, all fighting their own tough battles, not all of them evident, not all of them dramatic, but all important. And all hard. They all deserve kindness. My sister showed me that when she responded to a nasty clerk in a store with increasing gentleness and kindness. She even complimented the girl on her blouse. Things got better. The girl looked less angry. The problem got sorted.
Ed and I argued today about nothing. Because I was tired and stressed. Because he was too. But as he said, when we’re pulling together, even if we’re tired, it doesn’t feel so bad. Pull against each other and the world unravels.
My battles are hard. Some of my battles seem to position Ed as my foe. But a word of kindness and suddenly, I have no foe, and a staunch ally by my side. I know which I would prefer.
*I was thinking about kindness anyway, and then happened to read Andrea’s recent post on kindness (which I don’t know how I missed). I have borrowed the quote from her, since it so perfectly expressed what I was feeling today. Thank you, Andrea.
good to remember this – and be reminded … often! thanks
x
I also get so mired in my own self-righteous exhaustion that I forget that simply choosing the kinder thing to say matters a lot. Or not saying anything if I can only think of ratty, carping stuff. And it’s not efficient to demand kindness from another in angry words.
I need to write that down and leave copies of that all over my house. It’s so easy to get upset and forget others have hard days too, isn’t it?
And now, I need to go call my husband.
That was really lovely. And I do that, too.
and you’re welcome.
Very kind of you. And so true. Nice post.
I have to admit to almost getting a tear reading this, and its the first time I’ve been to your blog. Well said. And so true.
You know this new debate about how rude we’re getting as a society? Maybe kindness (and a few manners) could turn it round for us.
Personally, I at least try to apologise later if I crack it at my kids!
The PhD gig is a tough a one. My husband is completing a post-doc at the moment and applying for jobs. It gets stressful for sure. And it is totally hard to remember at times that they are stressed too!
Great post! I am off to hug my hubby!
Crap…..
I was doing just that today.
Being ratty and snarky and wrapped up in my own crankiness.
Mine ain’t no PhD but he supports his family on a free lance writing gig..which is pretty impressive and stressful and so on….
But I am also saying that does not give him a get out of jail free card for dinkiness or dorkiness.
Yah know???
i will definately think more on this…
why is that things that
should be so glaringly obvious
are sometimes the hardest things
to see?
Beautiful post. Thank you. I’ve been feeling snarky lately and needed to be reminded of this.
Kindness indeed.
Oh man. I was mean to my man this evening. Now I must go lick my wounds because you’ve gone and made me feel guilty.
PS- Andrea’s post on kindness and the following comments were enlightening. Thanks for the link.
We all tend to be caught up in our own woes and struggles but we need a nudge to remind us that everyone has their own loaded plate…. we need to be empathetic and spread kindness in a positive unselfish light. (From Pauline’s)
Thank you so much for this post – I just stumbled upon your blog a few days ago but this one has cemented you in my list of favorites.
My husband is in sales and is on the road way more than he is here, and I quite often get too caught up in my “woe is me, I do it all” crap to remember that it’s no fun being away from home all the time. Yeah – I do more of the day-to-day parenting than he does, but I also get more of the day-to-day fun stuff. Both our jobs are hard, and both are jobs are rewarding, just in completely different ways.
Thanks for reminding me of this – I especially love the part about choosing the kinder thing to say or sometimes saying nothing at all. Something I’m sure my husband would agree I need to work on!!
you’re post was great – and thanks for reminding everyone just how important just a little bit of kindness is … keep it up
ohhh hi I’m Bethany … feel free to stop by my blog and say hello