Schooling redux
Last year included what were in some ways the hardest six months of my life as we struggled with finding a school for Daniel, with weathering the rejection and the creeping horror that perhaps something was really wrong with my child, that perhaps we were indulgent parents who had spoiled him, or that he was in some way, faulty — that he was at fault because no school, no matter how alternative, wanted to take him on. I began to see him through the eyes of these critical, rejecting others, instead of the eyes of my love, and found myself angry at him. Irritated by his loud and insistent demands to be taken to Home Depot for wood to build his ten story clubhouse. Unamused by his antics at school which left me daily wondering whether I would be getting yet another call to come in and discuss his behavior. Impatient with his anger. Grateful for the end of every day and the refuge of bedtime.
Then we found a school and the summer came. Freed from the whole insanity of school searches and their expectations, we had a lovely time. I was calmer and happier and no longer cringing when the phone rang. Daniel was (naturally) calmer and happier too. Peace reigned. And these last few months at the Wonder School ™ have been — except for the drive — quite peaceful too. I trust them. Things are working.
Now we are moving. We will have to leave the Wonder School. The whole question of how to educate Daniel has been reopened. I am, I have discovered, not really recovered yet from last year and already at the end of my very thin rope. I cannot do it again. I cannot get so twisted that I see my lovely, funny, eccentric child through the eyes of round-peg people ever ever again.
It is a parenting trap waiting to spring on us all. We are raising children not just to suit ourselves, but to suit the society we inhabit. We might not cringe at home if they eat with their fingers, but in the restaurant, suddenly we see them as cavemen. War whoops that would barely cause us to turn around in the back yard become evidence of our child’s incipient violent tendencies at the playground. We don’t want our children to be cookie cutouts but we expect that they will toe the line at school, follow directions, play nicely with others. Even conscious of this, even purposely rejecting the standards of an external judge, we — as at least semi-productive members of society — urge the unwritten rules of getting along with others on our offspring.
It is one of my perhaps irrational worries about homeschooling Daniel (which is definitely back on the table). He doesn’t need to learn to get along with me, to follow my rules. He and I have a pretty good mutual understanding about how to deal with each other. He needs to learn to get along with others, with other children and other adults whose rules may be less explicable (to him) or more irrational, who may not temper their discipline with love and who may not be patient when he wants to draw up plans for a BathOMatic. He needs to be bounced along on the billiard table of life with all the other little balls without exploding. (I’m getting a vague literary reference to exploding billiard balls. Terry Pratchett I think… Alchemists’ Guild. Anyway, that’s my image of Daniel).
And I need to find out how to make this happen without losing sight of who he is to me — my beloved, bedazzling, bright and bonny, strange and sulky son of my heart.
First of all, a pox on you for mentioning Weffriddles. It is evil (and addictive).
You know there are plenty of ways to research schooling options. Start with the web. Call the Chairman of Ed’s new department and ask to get in touch with the spouse. Speak to her about schools or ask her to put you in touch with parents of young children. Or, you can be bold and email Ed’s new colleagues and ask for their input on schools. Don’t bother asking the realtor. Another thought is to contact a local church or synagogue and see if clergy can help you or put you in touch with another parent of school-age children.
I have mixed views on homeschooling – although this is probably an improvement on the ‘hardly on my radar/conciousnss’ status which it had before. I’m starting to realise how it can work for younger children – I still struggle with exam age children. However, the thing I have realised from being in contact with some people who homeschool (as well as reading blogs) is that my view of homeschooled children as isolated from their peers is probably wildly inaccurate. Yes, they may not experience the structured class time with other children, but on the whole parents seek out or create social (and educational) opportunties for them with other children (some homeschooled, some not). If you do go down the homeschooling route my impression is that it will be hard work for you to create the learning and social environment for Daniel, but perhaps the unstructured social contact is the area where he really needs the practice? (oops much longer than I intended – sorry everyone!) I also think alto2’s comments are spot on!
Now we really do need to talk. We are having issues with our square peg kid and her public school that just can’t figure her out. I need to know more about the Wonder School.
You expressed this so well. I know I have experienced these same feelings as I’ve watched my child’s first year at school, even though he has had a great year. My biggest fear before he started was not “what if he doesn’t do well academically” it was “I hope he’s not the lonely kid in the playground”. I do want my child to be acceptable in the eyes of society but I also want him to keep his own personality and belief systems. (Pre-pregnancy I was very keen to have boy children because I adore the way they are [mostly] less savvy at social matters!)
Good luck with the move and I hope you find a great school for him. At least now you have some idea about what does and doesn’t work.
Could Daniel’s present school be of some help in recommending another school that operates in a similar fashion?
If homeschooling is an option, I don’t think you need worry that your son won’t get enough interaction with others. Many homeschoolers seem to send their kids to organized homeschooling group activities several times a week. Some of the “homeschool centers” sound almost like…gasp…schools they have so many courses and offerings!
But, really, I agree with Pauline. Maybe your current Wonder School can help?
Oh I feel for you….
We had our pre school asking about ADD 4 weeks into the term.
He marches to his own rhythm.
I have a friend who home schools for those exact reasons and her kids are amazing.
And yes would not last ten seconds in public school…but they will be and are great members of society for their differences….
I like em like that.
Social interaction will undoubtedly provide the best long-term benefit. I feel confident in motherhood and intuition.
Once you move to your new city, undoubtedly, you will improve upon the school environment for your son! Relax…
I don’t have any advice – just understanding. Keith is my child who no one else really gets. He marches to his own beat, he blurts out any idea that enters his head – and they are sometimes amazing and/or baffling, his interests are odd for his age, and his feelings are strong on practically every topic.
He is in 6th grade. Teachers have never understood him – not from the first day of kindergarten. In 3rd grade, they began rotating classrooms – so he has a different teacher for every course. This is good and bad. A few have been patient; most have been the same. Do what we say, down to the tiniest detail, or suffer the consequences. And suffer he does.
I try, when he comes home, to make it a place where he is accepted, admired, adored. We go our own rounds sometimes, but he knows that I believe he is amazing and brilliant – and thank God, my opinion matters more than those teachers’ opinions.
If I had it to do over, I would homeschool – knowing that 7 years into school, he’s still being treated as less than he is. Every day. I’ve just kept hoping, every year, for ONE teacher to “get” him. It hasn’t happened yet. Now I find myself thinking, stupidly, “Maybe in junior high…”
Aaaaagh.
re: I cannot get so twisted that I see my lovely, funny, eccentric child through the eyes of round-peg people ever ever again.
Thank you for reminding me of this. So true. So true.
I had the experience of seeing my children through the world’s eyes today at the doctor’s. They were supposed to be sick, but for some reason were feeling frolicky, and were rolling like puppies on the floor of the waiting room. At home, I would have thought “how cute, look how sweetly they play despite the four-year age gap” but instead I realised that in the eyes of the other mothers they looked like noisy little thugs. Apart from telling them to quieten down a little, I let them frolic and ignored the LOOKS I was getting. I’m sure those German mummies are saying to their husbands tonight that English children are very badly behaved.
I’m sure you’ll find a lovely school for your boy in your new home. Isn’t it strange how children aren’t allowed to be eccentrics but adult eccentrics are celebrated? You’ll find somewhere that celebrates his differentness, I’m sure of it.
PS Thanks for showing up at Charlotte’s Web!
Oh, if only they explained that the sleepless nights you would endure as a parent were easiest when all you were worrying about was missed sleep. One of the hardest things we’ve had to face as parents is coming to the realization that we have to release our children to the scrutiny and sometimes cruelty of the world.
When I was pregnant with our son, one of the early ultrasounds indicated a possible “abnormality”. The days between this and the next sonogram stretched endlessly with worry. I sobbed though, not for the needs my child might have- they would be both agonized over and celebrated by my husband and I- but at the sheer thought that the world would not love my child as I would, and the adversity my child would face was really the risk of a broken spirit.
I read once that having a child was like wearing your heart outside of your body. It is that and then some.
So, whatever you decide, decide as the only person who will ever truly advocate for your child. And also, keep in mind that some of the reasons you are such a beautiful and thoughtful person are that you faced adversity.
Also, remember that I am a teacher. And I realize that allowing your child to attend my class is akin to lending me your limb eight hours a day. And I cherish and respect them as much as humanly possible, and know that I am a small but important part of how your child looks at his own reflection. And there are many colleges who feel like this as well.
Much luck, and as always, you have my respect and well wishes. I’ll bet that boy is a beauty.
(sorry) colleagues*. dang that spell check. I’m sure he’s not ready for college.
As a homeschooling mommy who loves reading about your wonderful son, I have to say that following your heart is the best course of action. I struggle every day with my choice to keep my kids at home. They have plenty of friends but my daughter is beginning to feel a little lonely. She’s just not connecting with anyone like she is really wanting to right now. I think as parents with so many options we will always be second guessing ourselves. The thing I struggle to remember is that I do have options. I have faith that things will work out beautifully for you.
Ahhh, this is the first post I’ve read from your site and it made me tear up. After several years of infertility treatments, we’ve decided to adopt. After the first several times and I didn’t concieve I thought – “maybe I shouldn’t?”. Adoption has slightly calmed my fear – which has always been that I might have a child I wouldn’t be emotionally equipped to deal with. All this brief description of my internal struggle to say – I so appreciate your honesty. kami_kelson@yahoo.com
I have one of those square peg kids too! I teach gifted ed also and so many of my students fall into the abyss since the only time they feel appreciated or challenged is in my classroom. Unfortunately (and you can see it in the comments here) too mant public school teachers want students to fit a certain mold and God forbid a student ever break free from that mold.
Best of luck finding a new school for your son. Does the university have a charter school on campus? A lot of colleges have a lab school for the student teachers to participate in and they are often forward thinking/ non-traditional schools. You might have luck with that.