Feeling like an onion
Feelings, or perhaps better, states of being, are like onions, circles upon surprisingly sharp and tear-sharp circles of emotion.
So here I am. The top layer is an efficient, cheerful sort of person, tootling along, how are you, just fine, doobedo, go here, go there, get thing, do that, upsadaisy, nevermind.
Under that is a thick layer of unhappiness. This I doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to leave this house, this street, this city, these friends, these circles of living, this life. This I is in deep mourning and in deep deep resistance.
Under that is an almost equally thick layer of cheerful pragmatism. What cannot be cured, must be endured. This I absolutely accepts the decision we made and feels confident that we made it together, as a couple. This I is looking forward to a change, to a new sort of life. Things come to an end, and that is all right and while the flow from phase to new phase can be stormy, it will leave me feeling renewed, refreshed and pared down.
Under that is a lonely I who gets very little time for herself, who rarely reads a book except while cooking dinner, doesn’t find time to blog, to knit, to think in an unencumbered place. This I is angry and getting seethingly impatient.
Under that is a selfless I who loves that I am there for the children and Ed, who wants to do the best that I can do, who wants to stay patient and and loving and present and who will, in the end, do whatever it takes to support the family as it moves.
Under that is a little girl who wants her mother to come help. Who wants her mother not to be so suddenly, strangely aged. Who wants a lap to sit in, a shoulder to cry on, a rock to stand on.
Under that is a rock in her own right who knows that she has never fallen down so hard that she has not got up again. She is proud of her strength in the face of what assails her. She knows her courage and has faith in it and in the return of sunlight at the end of winter.
All these feelings are true. They are all honest. They all coexist, round and round like intermingling layers, which is where the onion analogy breaks down, because they are not arrayed in neat rows, like the earth, from crust to core. They are far more lava-lampish, goblin gobules of emotional states.
How am I? Fine. Really.
I always liked the lava lamp, all those individual globs stemming from the original and going back to the original, only to reform and repeat the cycle – very Zen. This was a wonderfully insightful, well-written post.
Wow. What a beautiful description of the push and pull of change. I hope you really are doing fine.
When do you move stunts? Send me your address please. (As in, I want to send you something within the next couple of weeks… so whichever address that might be)
I think about you and yours everyday sister. Big move, big strength.
beautiful post. I think many mothers would relate to your layers; I know I do.
I love this description of your layers of feeling, and can relate to all of them. Sometimes I wouldn’t mind being a child too and having a lap to crawl onto.
Wow, once again you have astonished me with your writing. Change sucks. Change is great. Whatever it is, it’s stressful and hard, and you have put it into words like no one else can.
Very Post-structuralist..or is that just human?!
Been through this and still going through it with a big move to the Uk 8mths ago-I mirror just about all that you have so beautifully expressed.
Nothing can replace the old and familiar but there are new suprises that make it all a little easier. (Well some days anyway..)
Sian (I’m not anonymous I just dont have a web site?!)
this all sounds about just right and natural… and familiar.
I love the onion analogy!! So true, and boy can I relate! My sisters and I say we’re the alternating Mayors of Crazytown.
What a beautiful metaphor, expertly extended, and so true for me as well.
This is gorgeous, and remarkable how all the layers can co-exist and not cause utter havoc and chaos in our lives.
Having endured, for better or worse, eleven major upheavals in my husband’s thirty year A.F. career ,I could have written. just not as well. I SO identified with all these layers of Is and conflicting feelings……i wish you lots of luck on your upcoming move….
…of course I meant –written this…..d’oh.
Just found you …
Beautiful post ….