Accepting failure
I’m not going to make 50000 words, you know. It’s just not going to happen. I was pretty sure last week, almost certain over the weekend and yesterday I knew it absolutely. And I thought about quitting altogether. Well, I thought, since I’m not going to hit 50000 words, then I can go watch The Daily Show and eat chocolate.
But then I didn’t. I wrote. Not very much — 500 words or so. But I wrote.
So here’s the thing. Is it failing if you’re only doing okay? Is it failing if you try and don’t make it? Or is that a kind of succeeding? Because trying counts for a lot. In fact, in my world it counts for almost (almost) everything. Trying is the point. If you don’t swing, you can’t hit the ball. Sure it’s nice if you make contact. But you have to swing first. And be willing to miss.
Should I think myself a failure because I’m still lonely, homesick, sad and displaced? Should I be down on myself because my upper lip is violently floppy and because I see last November not as a damn turning point but as a loss? And because I am giving myself time to settle in, rather than rushing onto some artificially constructed equilibrium?
Shouldn’t I just keep trying? Knowing that trying is the point.
I’m not going to “win” NaNoWriMo. But I am going to be thankful (to Krista, first, for planting the thankfulness thought in my head) for any moments of grace I have, for the courage to keep facing how I really feel, even though it isn’t pretty, and for the resilience which allows me to keep trying. And for believing that the only failure is not trying at all.
Last year, I was thinking about Oedipal Fairs and contemplating possible success.
Oh no!!! Don’t leave me to go it alone….
I’ve got an empty house today, and 4.5 hours of quiet to make up for the words I haven’t written over the last two days. (Word count still 598). I want to succeed, so that my friend Scott can’t beat me. (In the winning sense, not in a ‘Violence against women, Australia says NO’ sense.)
Your attitude to it is so reasonable and sensible. So seductively tempting…… winning isn’t everything….. anything I write is a gain……
but no! I have to beat Scott to the 50,000 words. Or at least finish.
Now you see why your attitude is far more realistic. I’m going to be a raving lunatic by November 29. Now I’m off to post something on my blog. I signed up to that ‘post a blog a day’ thing as well.
Why? Because I’m an idiot.
ooops…I just lost my comment and can’t remember what I was trying to say.
Oh well, I’ll make something else up. I seem to do okay at that (crap that is).
Now, you do realise your novel doesn’t have to be *good* don’t you? At least that’s what they *told* me so it had better be the case.
This time last year I hadn’t written a single word. In fact, I didn’t start writing until the end of the first keep. Can’t remember why. Anyway, I still made it. No masterpiece but I did make it.
Does it help if I tell you that I tend to find the first 1000 words the most difficult? I think after that the characters start to come alive and it gains some momentum on it’s own. So don’t give up yet.
But, if you don’t make the “magic” wordcount – you’re definitely still not a failure!!!
You’ve already written more words than you would have if you’d never started. Which is in fact the real point of the exercise. Not some fancy certificate you get to print off at the end…..
I have a yellowed newspaper Graffiti stuck to my refrigerator that helps me keep everything in perspective:
Failure: The raw material of success.
I don’t know, I think one of the main ingredients of success is ass-kicking failure. And really, isn’t the nano thing (both of them) really about writing? about doing a little bit every day. SO 500 words instead of 1700… OK. It’s words. It’s out there. It’s you giving time for you. In whatever way that shows up.
You’re grieving for a lot of things right now. Be kind to yourself, lovely lady.
the trying is so worth trying…
that’s all i have to say