Not ready
2007 November 16
Ed’s gone. I’m not ready to be by myself with the children in this big new house in the strange place yet. Don’t get me wrong — they’ll get fed, and bathed (maybe) and put to bed and we went to the library for a video for a Movie Night but there will be more yelling than normal. There will be me, right on the edge of everything falling apart. The crust is thinner than I thought. I am only just holding it all together right now.
And tomorrow I will leave, and go where I know people. You do what you have to.
Last year I was living the dream.
This year? Goddammitalltosevenblastedcirclesofflamingfrackinhell.
hang in there. You can do it. You can have a meltdown if you need to, it’s ok.
I’m alone tonight, but it is going well. We had a chill picnic in the living room dinner and then a movie.
Thinking about you. Vulnerability is so compounded when you have children, isn’t it?
I know that thin crust feeling only too well. It is so much easier with other grown-ups (preferably the other parent) around. Go easy on yourself and don’t let your expectations of what you need to achieve be too high.
In a week, you will look back and be proud of having made it through. These things always seem more terrifying in our anticipations than they do when we are living through them. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. I will be sending positive thoughts and energy your way.
Hold tight … the crust isn’t as thin as you think …
And do go and be with people you know …. fill your days with things you love…. and try singing! The time will fly.